I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.