[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
What personal space?
My dog
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…