Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
This is a true ally.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
He took my last fry, your honor
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.