My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
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Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Note to self: I am a note
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
5 ways to appear taller
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.