serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke