*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
🙄😏😂🤣
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.