hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.