Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
🖤✌🏽
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world