cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.