everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
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So we got a goldfish…
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*