If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
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Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
A small tragedy.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.