Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures