My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.