Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
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My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
In space, no one can hear…
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza