Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
just got my engagement photos
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea