You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My dad is at it again
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no