therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
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Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.