What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.