When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Camping tip: No.