Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
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People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I’m Sold!
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
As the Lord intended
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Hot Hot Hot
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.