It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”