Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
cyclists
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.