Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I put the p in pants.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
This is me
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.