Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.