Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
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“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.