I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.