Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
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Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Sell your car
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?