I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
How I’d get arrested…
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice