me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.