Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
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can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶