[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Encore…
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho