I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.