“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.