Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
You Might Also Like
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
a lot to unpack here
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me