[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
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me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.