Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
You Might Also Like
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
concern
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.