How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid