Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
How does one answer this?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.