Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
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I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
sensitive skin
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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