Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
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Lmaoo 😂
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
There are usually two types of merchants.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
sensitive skin
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.