“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
my friends when i can’t do basic math
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?