You Might Also Like
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Golf would be better with landmines.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.