Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
You Might Also Like
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.