I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
You Might Also Like
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer