I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
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Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
also my go-to takeaway order
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost