Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.