Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My whole life was a lie.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby