Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.