Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
no their not
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.