“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
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Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
oh u like history? name everything that happened
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
This fish is cracking me up
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait